


Begin Again

by glammetalkitten



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s21e01 I'm Going to Make You a Star, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glammetalkitten/pseuds/glammetalkitten
Summary: The morning Sonny wakes up as an ADA and not an NYPD detective, he’s, you know, a little nervous. New job, life-changing kind of nervous.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	Begin Again

**Author's Note:**

> Last year I fell down the Barisi rabbit hole and have zero regrets about that. I've met the most wonderful group of fellow clowns on Twitter who write the most beautiful stories and who have inspired me to fire up my own laptop and get typing. Thanks to abogadobarba in particular for the encouragement.
> 
> I've been working on this off and on since the new series premiered in September. I'm a very slow writer, especially when working on my first fic in *checks notes* uhh, eight years. Be gentle with me.
> 
> A very big thank you to Allana for dusting off her beta hat after all those years and giving this a seeing to.

The morning after the squad threw him a party in the Beekman, and Sonny wakes up as an ADA and not an NYPD detective, he’s awake well before the alarm. It’s still mostly dark, just a little light filtering in through the blinds from the streetlights outside. Definitely not time to get up just yet. He thumps the pillow a few times, turns on his side and closes his eyes again.

Sleep doesn’t come. Instead, Sonny tosses and turns, stares at the ceiling for a while, tries to get comfortable, but it’s too late - his mind’s racing, and his stomach and chest feel tight with anxiety. Or is it excitement? No, _anxiety_. Still. The new-job, life-changing type of anxiety, all wrapped up with the kind that’s been taking hold of him in the middle of the night for years, making himquestion life choices that always made perfect sense during the day.

At 6:00, his phone lights up on the nightstand – he flails out an arm real quick, fumbling a little but managing to turn the alarm off before it gets going. He scrubs his hands over his face and through his hair, takes a deep breath and sits up. He’s got this, he thinks, as he pushes himself to his feet. He’s confident and capable. Maybe. Probably. Either way, Sonny’ll fake it, push through ‘til he’s definitely, really got it, and maybe he won’t have to find out if Ms Hadid was kidding with that 90-day return policy crack or not.

He shuffles down the dark hallway, detouring to start the coffeemaker on his way to the bathroom, brushing past a dining table piled with papers and legal texts and no less than three Columbia Law-embossed legal pads. He comes close to knocking a pair of glasses and a red pen to the ground from where they’ve been abandoned on top of a stack of papers, but manages to catch them and haphazardly shuffles everything back into place.

Heading on into the bathroom, Sonny eases the door shut, closing the world out for a little while longer, and turns the shower on. By the time he’s rinsing shampoo out of his hair under just-this-side of too hot water, he feels more like an actual human. He’s still got butterflies fluttering in his stomach and his heart pounds faster when he pays them too much attention, but a hot shower helps like it always does when he feels like this and he feels more like he’s maybe, actually, got this.

He turns off the water and steps out of the tub, curling his toes into the fluffy bathmat, which is still warm from the towel rail. He grabs a towel, dries himself off quickly and wraps it around his waist before reaching for a second to roughly dry his hair. He wipes the mirror over the sink clear with a dry corner then drops it on the floor before leaning on the counter to stare at himself.

His skin is flushed from the heat of the shower, but otherwise Sonny doesn’t look any different than he did when he stood here yesterday morning, the morning before that, and all the mornings before that. But last night, he went to bed a cop and he woke up an Assistant District Attorney, and he kind of feels like he _should_ look a little different. More distinguished or something. Even if he’s just wearing a towel.

The smell of brewing coffee distracts Sonny from his self-inspection, and, scoffing at himself, he makes quick work of the rest of his bathroom routine. He opens the bathroom door and steps into the hallway, leaving the steamy sanctuary behind him.

It’s immediately obvious that the coffee isn’t quite done brewing yet, because Rafael has his palms planted on the edge of the counter in front of the coffeemaker, leaning over it and scowling as though this intimidation will hurry it along any faster. Rafael’s wearing plaid sleep pants and an old Fordham t-shirt of Sonny’s. His greying hair is tousled into the most glorious bedhead, and wow, Sonny could stand here all day just looking at him. How’d he get so lucky, anyway.

“Mornin’ Raf,” he says, and pads across the kitchen to wrap his arms around his husband instead, pressing up against Rafael’s back and resting his chin on his shoulder. “Thought you weren’t teaching ‘til this afternoon.”

Rafael presses back against Sonny, hums a greeting. “Big day today, _amorcito_ ,” he says by way of reply. Rafael is not a morning person and when he turns his head slightly to look at Sonny, his eyes are still a little bleary, but he’s smiling softly. “I thought I’d see you off. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Sonny turns his face to grin stupidly against Rafael’s neck. He’s probably blushing. It’s so dumb, really, because he’s earned this job, but he can’t help feeling like a total impostor and right this instant try as he might, he couldn’t recall his badge number or even any of the summations he’d admitted to Rollins he’d practiced over and over in front of the bedroom mirror.

“Kinda feels like the first day of out of the Academy,” he admits, whispering the words against Rafael’s warm skin. Abandoning his scrutiny of the coffeemaker, Rafael pulls away slightly and turns in Sonny’s embrace to face him. He wraps one arm around Sonny’s waist to pull him close again, palm splaying warm across the small of Sonny’s back, and winds the other round his neck to pull him down, kissing him slowly, surely.

“So proud,” he murmurs again, against Sonny’s lips. With a final peck, he runs his hand back down Sonny’s shoulder and squeezes his arm encouragingly. “You’ve earned this, and you were right to take your shot. Go get dressed. I’ll bring your coffee.”

The night before, Rafael had sidled into the bar just as Sonny’s surprise party was winding down. He’d hugged Liv hello, shaken hands with Fin and Amanda, nodded to Dodds, then whisked Sonny into a waiting Lyft and back to their apartment.

Sonny had been buzzing, and maybe a little buzzed, as they’d eaten leftover Thai takeout from the place four blocks away that they like. Rafael had almost single-handedly kept the place in business until Sonny had moved in two years before and taken over most of the cooking. These days, it’s a treat on the nights neither of them can bring themselves to even open the fridge. They’d danced around the living room to Bruce Springsteen, Rafael pressing up close to Sonny during _Darkness on the Edge of Town._

Before they’d gone to bed, Sonny had put together what he was going to wear the next day, reasoning it would be one less thing to worry about in the morning. There’s always something soothing about carefully selecting the shirt and tie to go with a suit, and sometimes even a pocket square, something he would’ve never even thought about before Rafael had waltzed into the squadroom and into Sonny’s life his first week at SVU. Rafael had lounged on the bed and watched, alternately sipping from a glass of scotch and offering a gently mocking commentary. Perfect evening at home, as far as Sonny’s concerned.

Now, Sonny abandons his towel and starts to carefully dress. Boxer briefs, undershirt, pants, crisp white shirt. He catches sight of himself in the mirror, pale, features tight now the heat of the shower has faded, and as he starts to button his shirt his fingers slip, fumbling the buttons. Taking a slightly shaky breath, Sonny goes to try again.

“Let me,” Rafael offers from the doorway. He makes his way fully into the bedroom and deposits the mugs of coffee he’s holding on their dresser before coming to a stop in front of Sonny. TakesSonny’s hands, squeezes them, and moves them down to hang by his sides out of the way.

Starting at the hollow of Sonny’s throat, Rafael carefully buttons his shirt. He adjusts Sonny’s collar just so, smooths his hands over Sonny’s shoulders to dispel imaginary creases, and to comfort. He turns to reach for Sonny’s tie while Sonny tucks his shirttails into his pants, fastens them, and buckles his belt.

Rafael bats Sonny’s hands out of the way again and slips the red polka-dot tie he’d suggested Sonny choose around his neck. Sonny flushes a little remembering why Rafael often picks this tie out for Sonny, he says he likes it because it –

“Reminds me of that one time in my office,” Rafael says, smiling like he can read Sonny’s thoughts. He knots the tie with practiced grace and then his smile turns sly as he tightens his right hand around it, pulling Sonny forward to kiss him again. Sonny sighs into the kiss as Rafael releases his tie and rests his hand on Sonny’s chest instead, over his heart. He must be able to feel Sonny’s stupid anxious heart trying to beat and pound its way out of his chest.

He pulls Rafael more tightly to him, kisses him harder to distract himself from his own thoughts and also because he just _really_ loves to kiss Rafael. When he eventually, reluctantly, pulls back, Rafael smiles at him.

“You want eggs or something?” Rafael asks. “I was thinking I’d cook,” he adds airily, and Sonny can’t help a disbelieving snort as he reaches for the hangar holding his vest and jacket, like he isn’t fully aware that pushing buttons on the coffeemaker to make coffee come out of it is as close as Rafael gets to food before mid-morning at least.

Rafael takes his suit jacket from his hands and moves around behind him to help him into it, pinching Sonny’s side in retaliation as he goes and making him yelp.

“Lucky for you,” Sonny says anyway with a grin, “I’m not hungry right now. Anyway, don’t think I could eat even if I was.” He turns his head and busses a kiss to Rafael’s cheek as he buttons his jacket. Rafael steps round him and turns, regarding Sonny’s ensemble with an air of satisfaction. He reaches up and traces the outline of Sonny’s lapel, running the tip of a single outstretched index finger down the over-stitching with a hum of approval – he likes to take credit for most of Sonny’s sartorial choices – before turning to the dresser and collecting their mugs.

“Butterflies?” This said with a knowing side-eye.

“Several flocks of ‘em.” There’s no secrets between them. “I’ll grab something from the cart outside Hogan Place.”

“Drink your coffee then,” Rafael says, handing Sonny his mug. “Take a couple minutes. I’ll fill your travel cup.”

He presses one more kiss to the corner of Sonny’s mouth, grabs his own mug and slips out of the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him. Sonny sinks down to sit on the edge of the bed and takes a sip of coffee. Grimaces, because it’s now lukewarm. A disgruntled chuff from the other side of the door tells him Rafael has just discovered this as well and he grins despite himself, imagining the expression on Rafael’s face.

Sonny takes a couple minutes. He closes his eyes and breathes in slowly through his nose, allowing his chest to fully expand like his therapist taught him. He holds it for a few seconds, and then exhales just as slowly through his mouth, feeling the tightness in his chest loosen as he does. He does this two, three, four times more, and now he can stand up, find his shoes and slip his feet into them.

“Travel cup’s on the island,” Rafael calls from the kitchen as Sonny finishes tying his laces. He grabs his cell from the nightstand and slides it into his inside pocket. Takes one final look into the mirror and adjusts the knot of his tie one last time, smooths his lapels. No going back now.

Sonny’s stainless-steel travel cup is, as promised, waiting for him on the island separating their kitchen from the rest of the living area. And that’s not all. A smart brown briefcase, adorned with a red bow, sits next to it.

“What’s this?” Sonny steps up to the island, reaches out a hand, and runs his fingertips over the flap of the briefcase. This close, he can smell the leather, see the neat stitching on the seams, almost see his reflection in the shiny brass of the clasp. Rafael’s on the other side of the island leaning back against the far counter, smiling. He straightens and rounds the island to step up next to Sonny.

“It’s a gift,” he says, flicking the bow with his fingers as if to say, _See?_ “To mark your first day in the DA’s office.”

“It’s really great, Raf, it’s gorgeous,” Sonny says, grinning, as he pops the clasp to look inside. His smile widens when he sees that Rafael, ever efficient, has already transferred the contents of Sonny’s old briefcase into this new one. “Guess I’m just about good to go.”

As he says it, Sonny realises it’s true. He’s still a little new-job anxious, but the tightness in his chest and stomach’s eased under Rafael’s fussing and his gift, and his love. He takes one more deep, fortifying, breath and snaps the briefcase shut again.

“I’ll be working at home today after class finishes, grading papers,” Rafael says as he gathers up the briefcase and Sonny’s travel cup, nodding towards the table and then jerking his chin to indicate Sonny should precede him towards the door.

His pursed lips tell Sonny exactly how much Rafael is looking forward to that and he chuckles a little as he unlocks the door. This year’s 1L at Columbia Lawhave yet to endear themselves to their Criminal Law professor. Rafael frowns like he knows exactly why Sonny is laughing at him.

“ _Anyway,_ I’ll be here when you get home, Counselor.” He hands Sonny back his case and mug and his newly-freed hands cradle Sonny’s face and pull him down for one more kiss. “I love you. Now go. Crime waits for no ADA.”

Yeah, yeah,” Sonny says. “I’m going. I love you.”

Then he’s out the door and heading for the stairs and on out into his new place in the world.

He’s got this.

Definitely.


End file.
